All the lonely hearts in London
Caught a plane and flew away
And all the best women are married
All the handsome men are gay
You feel deprived”
- Robbie Williams, Supreme
What a tune. I remember buying this single on cassette when I was ten and thinking about how my life might be when I grow up. I presumed I would have achieved society’s expectations: a baby, a house, and a husband. But twenty-four years later, Robbie’s poignant lyrics very much resonate with me.
I’m thirty-four, single, and child-free. As are about 70% percent of people I know in my age bracket. I don’t know about you, but I for one always imagined I’d be doing school runs at this point in my life. Instead, I’m free of responsibility and truly enjoying a single, child-free life. When I’m not on the daily grind, I’m dancing in clubs, riding my bike around the German countryside, having a cheeky summer-time trip on shrooms and I travel. As the years go by though, I’ve often questioned why I still haven’t found the type of man I always imagined being with. I'm young, educated, employed, and easy on the eye. Some might even say I’m a catch. Yet, like so many other people around me, I still haven’t met someone worthwhile.
So what’s the dealio with everyone being single?
Well, we all know by now that thanks to dating apps, we are over-exposed to sex and over-saturated with choice. Focusing on one person has gone out of fashion. As the digital world continues to grow, so has our dependency on doing everything on-screen. In a time of booming social media platforms, we’ve never been more anti-social. You don’t need to leave your house for anything these days. Our reliance on technology is grossly impacting our lives, and most notably, our relationships. But there’s more……
I randomly came across an episode of the podcast, Diary of a CEO with guest Chris Williamson, and found myself down a rabbit hole searching for more answers as to why people these days are staying single for longer….
Discovery #1: Female Hypergamy
When women date men who are equal or have more in terms of education, income, and status. These preferences are becoming an increasing factor as to why women are finding it hard to date suitable men. A study by Ghent University revealed that women prefer educated men and those on Tinder with a Master's degree, get swiped 91.4% more than if they had a Bachelor's. The pool of these desired men is small, which means there is an abundance of choice for them when it comes to dating High-Value Women.
"It's a straight-up imbalance causing a very large group of men at the bottom of this distribution to be invisible to women, causing a very large number of women in an increasing cohort, to compete for an increasingly small cohort of turbo-charged super performers at the top. These are the men who have a wealth of options and are commitment adverse, they discard & use which causes women to resent men overall, and the forgotten men at the bottom who have not been seen, are also labelled as users and abusers"- Chris Williamson, host of the "Modern Wisdom" podcast.
Of course, this doesn’t mean every single one of us wants a man with a fancy degree. I for one have a thing for tradesmen and I know my mother would be delighted if we could add a plumber and mechanic to the family tree. But the facts are there, so consider that it might be a reason why you can’t find what you’re looking for.
Discovery #2: Women’s standards are increasing
Whilst scouring the internet for answers as to why the hell finding a man seems harder to find than Wally himself, I came across an interesting Psychology Today report. I discovered that women worldwide are getting fed up with being therapists for emotionally stunted men. We want partners who are emotionally available, empathetic, and good communicators. The report also revealed that men are staying single for longer, and the rise in male loneliness is also increasing because women are expecting more from them.
Unfortunately, I know way too many amazing women who have been dumped by men for a myriad of reasons: men avoiding therapy even though they recognise that they need it, breaking up a strong connection prematurely in order to avoid feeling pain, cheating when their partner is out of town because they don’t like being left alone.
Jesus Fucking Christ. Gone are the days when men should be strong, closed off, and stoic- we need more from you lads, and the professionals are suggesting therapy to sort your shit out!
Discovery #3: We’ve stopped approaching people IRL
There's no denying it, women more often than not, expect men to do the approaching. Nowadays though, men fear being perceived as creepy or desperate when interacting with women. Which is a pity because I really do miss interacting with people on nights out.
Under the right circumstances (aka loaded with wine) I used to sometimes approach guys in bars, but I think I got too comfortable with online dating which made me lose that ability (& bravery) to approach them.
But finally, there is some light at the end of the dating app tunnel.....a new social experiment called Pear Ring. Labelled as "The World's Biggest Social Experiment", you get sent a green ring that indicates you're single and open to social interaction. I'm so excited to see if it's going to take off, god knows we need to change up the way we date. So many people I know are fed up of the apps. Personal interaction, ahoy!!!
“The #MeToo movement sought to sanitise the creepy element of men’s behaviour but has instead sterilised all of it. It has completely destroyed the desire for men to start random conversations with women”- Chris Williamson.
Discovery #4: Less sexy time!
We’re having less sex than ever before; a whopping 30% of men haven't had sex in a year, while women stand at 20%. According to The Hill.com, "Men in their 20s are more likely than women of similar age to be romantically uninvolved, sexually dormant, friendless and lonely”.
With everything at our fingertips, from social media to porn, we literally don’t need to lift our heads from our pillows to get a social or sexual fix, *palm slap*. If we aren’t even looking for sex, this is surely a sign that something is very wrong in our society! Also FYI, for the first time in history, 50.1% of women are childless at the age of thirty. So if you feel like you’re the only one without a wee baba on your hip, you’re definitely not!
Discovery #5: Waning interest in romantic connections
A report by the Pew Research Center discovered that 50% of men are not looking for a committed relationship. In 2022, it was reported that nearly half of all young adults are single, 34% of women, and 63% are men. Isn’t that a sad statistic? Considering there are studies that have proven that romantic relationships lower the rates of anxiety and depression, they can strengthen your immune system and you may even live longer!
So there you have it, five new discoveries as to why finding a relationship seems to be as difficult as finding a restaurant that serves free tap water in Berlin!
What does it mean for those of us wanting to find something long-term? I don’t have that answer unfortunately but what I would suggest is: to keep your focus, stay on your path, keep your friends close, find an opportunity to make new friends to expand your social circles, and just enjoy what you can of life!
Lulu x