Finding a man who can openly communicate and be honest seems to be a more grueling challenge than searching for a needle in a haystack.
I’m dedicating this post to the art of love bombing. If you haven't already read about it in my book, then here's a recap:
Love bombing is a form of manipulation where the person swoons you with over-the-top gestures, loving words, and affection right at the beginning in order to gain your trust. Sometimes the love bomber will disappear, as they just needed to feel desired and loved out of their own insecurities. Others stay around much longer and you may find yourself in an unhealthy situation.
I was recently bombed left, right, and center. On the first date he was holding my hand, telling me how beautiful I was, evening throwing in the “oh we should go on a trip when I come back after Ramadan”. It was far too much too soon, and I told him so. But the sweetness kept coming. He told me that at his age (thirty-six), he knows what he wants and he’s not beating around the bush anymore, so he was being upfront with me about what he wants. I was happy to learn that he was looking for a relationship, that he was sick of the dating scene and had grown out of his one-night-stand phase.
When you have healed from trauma, it's much easier to smell bullshit.
Obviously, it’s really lovely to hear someone be so upfront, but as a survivor of emotional abuse, I was not taking any of this to heart as I did fear he was full of it. I wanted to believe him, but a part of me couldn’t. I sometimes miss the days when I could be swooned, but there's no cutting through this thick skin.
So we’d had a couple of really nice dates, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and started showing him more interest.
But what happened next??
Once again, my intuition came out on top. Lo and behold, the Thirty-Six Year Old vanished. When he finally resurfaced, he told me he “wasn't ready to take this further". That part isn't the issue, nor is it the reason for my rant.
What I got annoyed about was that I had to reach out to him to get my answer. He left through the backdoor, rather than be upfront like he so confidently was with his flattery. Overnight, he literally went from telling me he'll miss me when he leaves town, to ignoring me.
“I wanted to tell you sooner but I didn’t have time”
Does he think I was born yesterday!? As we all should know by now, if someone wants to see you, they will make the time. The same goes for if they care enough.
And yes, he was a flash in the pan, lads, and maybe there's no need to write this blog, but it’s a gentle reminder that when we know what we don’t want, we should have the common courtesy to inform the other party. Contributing to this disposable dating culture isn't doing anyone any favours.
Love needs to be nurtured and grown, something that should happen organically, and it shouldn’t feel forced, so just be cautious if someone is coming on too strong in the beginning. Read the signs, reassess the situation, and always remember to listen to what your body is telling you. If it feels wrong, then it probably is.
Signs of love bombing
Showering you with over-the-top compliments very early on.
Displays of grand gestures, very early on.
Talking about future plans far too early on after initially meeting.
Telling you they want to be with you all the time.
Telling you they think they’re falling in love with you.
Why do people love bomb?
There can be a million and one reasons why someone love bombs you. It might be a cultural influence, a need to feel a reciprocated love, out of loneliness, or maybe a need to rush into a relationship. There can also be more serious motives, such as doing it as a way to control or take advantage of you.
In this tale though, I think the guy did it to feed his own ego. I don’t believe he had a harmful motive, but what grinds my gears is that it means I have to continue to second-guess if a guy is being genuine about what he says to me, or if he's just in need of an ego boost.
If you have been a victim of love bombing and the person disappeared with no explanation, don’t put that blame back on you. You felt something intense because you were made to feel those feelings. The person was projecting their insecurities onto you and needed to feel admired and loved in order to feel good about themselves.
Oh modern dating, you absolute shit show.
Nächste bitte…..
Lulu x